Jusfer Laffs : Crap Car Stickers

Mike Humble:

Rear window or bumper stickers. Once they were mildly funny… but that was back in the late 70’s or early 80’s when I also found the words; fart, plop and bum tear inducingly comical. Your local motor spares shop (remember them?) or branch of MDC or Charlie Browns would have rotating stands devoted to stickers for your delectation or mild amusement.

Often they would be mildly sexist or rude… enough to make you smile at least but it seems the comical rear end sticker is making a comeback – and its really pissing me right royally off. The following are the ones that drive me insane.

My Family –  Sorry folks… we don’t care, really we don’t!

family stickers

Firstly, I don’t care if you have three kids, a football, a dog and a cat. In point of fact, I find these bloody stickers so annoying I could be tempted to ram the bloody car at speed in something big, blunt and heavy – probably without the slightest remorse. Only just the other day, I was stuck in a jam on the M11 where right in front was a Hotpoint white Volkswagen T-Roc displaying the above depicted shitty sticker…. Oh just F**k Off!

I had to swap lanes just out of sheer boredom and anger.

Where You’re Likeliest To Spot One:

  • In front of you in a long long static queue on a motorway
  • In the rear window of a VW T-Roc, Ford Kuga or Nissan X-Trail
  • On any car driven by a *Hipster male driver
  • In a Waitrose car park

* = modern terminology for a scruffy beardy weirdy that thinks he’s trendy… the sort you’d secretly love to punch every cubic inch of air from his lungs.

 

Powered By Fairy Dust – No… its just not:

fairy dust

The one that started the resurgence of crud stickers a few years ago. Its not even slightly funny, nor is it actually factual. If you are the kind of boring and plain looking female, you know the kind, always the bridesmaid but NEVER the bride. The sort of girl who effortlessly gets lost in a crowd of three, drives a buggered Fiat Punto that your Dad bought you when you passed your driving test… this is a must.

Simply slap one of these onto the back of a beaten up small hatchback and you have instantly added character and attraction to zing up your oh so dismal lonely life. There you go… £4.99 has never been better spent. And yet, come to think about it, your car is actually powered by fossil fuel or electrical power… so in truth, the sticker is a complete misnomer… on every conceivable level.

Where you’re likeliest to spot one:

  • On a first generation Renault Megane Cabriolet
  • A Volkswagen Up with a furry steering wheel cover
  • Any female driver with an incorrect assumption that she’s funny and / or popular
  • Umpah Loompah coloured females with comedy eyebrows (the full Pikey look)

 

Nürburgring: – You wouldn’t last one lap of Kettering sonny!Nurburgring-Decal-Sticker

 

Do you drive something like a broken Citroen Saxo VTS or a rusting MG ZR 1.4 in Trophy yellow? Want to blend in with the Max Power crew down at the local MacDonalds Drive-Thru? Desperate to kid the world that your 1.2 Corsa SRi has the minerals to mix it with the likes of the Nissan Skyline, Porsche Carrera GT or a Suzuki 1300 Hayabusa? If so, you need a sticker like the above.

With the addition of this vinyl graphic, you earn instant gold star membership of the exclusive bell-end club. This gentleman’s club of glory offers fringe benefits that includes: instant round-the-clock attention of your local Road Policing Units, the right to dribble over the head units in Halfords and attend evening classes for you to learn how to send a text message, suck on a vanilla milk-shake and roll a spliff all at the same time while taking the 4th exit on a busy roundabout.

Where you’re likeliest to spot one:

  •  MacDonald’s drive-thru car parks
  • An out of town retail site
  • On the back of something noisy that smokes like a wet bonfire
  • A badly crash repaired Toyota Supra with tinted rear lights
  • A shagged base model 1400cc MG ZR
  • A wannabe M series E36 BMW 320D running on vegetable oil

 

Any of your own you wish to vent your spleen over? Shove `em in the comment box below.

 

4 comments

  1. the Nürburgring one would look good on the back of my series 2 diesel Land Rover…must remember to take a nice sharp paint scraper with me next time I’m going somewhere where I might see a car with one on….

  2. Another I hate but not seen in a long while is the “my other car is a Porsche” or the one that was stuck to our Bedford rascal camper “it’s not our fault it’s the Allegro in front”

  3. Mums / Dads taxi is one that makes me froth with anger but Powered by Fairydust is the sticker of rage for me. I once witnessed the biggest lady I have ever seen slowly seep out of a Daihatsu Copen, it was not a pretty site.

    Apologies for appearing sizeist though I cant talk as I am a big fat lump too.
    Sandy

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