Mike Humble:

 

“Terrible brakes, a bloody awful ride quality and an engine even less refined than Gemma Collins on her third bottle of Blue Nun”

As we plough on into the 21st century, it seems that all the good things we once enjoyed vehicle – wise are fading away, and quicker than we think. The ‘hot hatch’ as we once knew them is a dying breed as manufacturers strive to reduce their average Co2 content. Vauxhall for example now uses SRi purely as a trim level more than an accent on the sporting and their once famed ‘GSi’ and ‘VXR’ monikers are now nothing more than a memory of the Griffin in the days of General Motors. It’s fair to say of course we have Volkswagen to thank for giving us the small hatchback with a rocket up its arse, but it was Ford that really put the ‘hot hatch’ within easy grasp of the masses, giving the motoring public something a little less spartan and basic the the Golf GTi that was.

With the introduction of the Escort Mk3 in 1980, Ford also gave us a three digit model code that went on to cause so much sensation – XR3. Say what you want about Ford, be it them famed for building a car cheaper than any other manufacturer, or the fact the body shells dissolved quicker than a junior disprin, Ford REALLY knew how to market a car, and they knew EXACTLY who their customer was in every sector and price bracket. These factors and more besides are the reasons for Uncle Henry hoovering up the market share and remaining at the number one spot for over three decades.

An old dying car salesman once whispered in my ear; “there’s a market for everything in this world, even shite” and despite the incredible success of the Escort XR3 and XR3i, they were, to put it mildly, absolute bloody rubbish. For sure they had their good points being cheap to buy, cheap to run and as simple as Leggo when it came to fixing them and managing to look rather snazzy too, but I loathed them. Terrible brakes, a bloody awful ride quality and an engine even less refined than Gemma Collins on her third bottle of Blue Nun. Other high points included a vague gear change and security that was laughably non-existent.

I started my motor trade career in 1988 in a large Ford main dealer and saw enough of these heaps to last me a lifetime. It wasn’t uncommon when replacing a battery on a car even as young as three years old for a rusty chunk of the battery tray to tear away when attempting to loosen the 13mm nut that held the clamp and the battery into the bulkhead. Boy racers used to swap the rotor arm over on fuel injected cars (they had a built in rev limiter) for a 1.6 carb model to get some extra revs. The end result would be so much harmonic vibration that the timing belt would throw itself off and totally grenade the engine. We saw many of these casualties deposited at our Northampton dealer from the back of an AA recovery truck.

Once being old enough to drive myself, I was aghast at how rough and crude these cars really were to ride in or drive and could never understand (and still don’t) just how these fast Fords could be so popular. They spawned a whole new motoring culture that I also just couldn’t work out why and today cars in superb condition fetch ridiculous prices when they come up for sale. Yet to look at, in the right colour, they looked superb both inside and out proving that if you market it right and price it within reach, a polished turd will do the job. Motoring mediocrity was never so finely done!